I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
