I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
