I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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