I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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