I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
