can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
