I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize