I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize