An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
