just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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