Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize