i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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