As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
