I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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