i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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