It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
