My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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