New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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