remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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