Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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