i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
