Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
