Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
