Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
