So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
