Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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