You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
