I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize