I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
the raccoons are back...
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