A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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