I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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