Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
