Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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