I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize