I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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