Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
