She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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