so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
