You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
