I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
