Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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