I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
