i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
