Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The adults are the big ones right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
