i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Every concussion has its silver lining
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
