I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
