How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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