I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize