We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
