this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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