i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
