Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
These tits shall not be calmed
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