Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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