But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
