And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
