Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
