I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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