he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
