you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
