I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
